Though we are all familiar with the old saying ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me’, we know that children can be harmed by adults speaking to and about them in negative ways.
Children need to hear that the adults in their lives think they are OK. Parents can help children feel good about themselves by the way they speak and the things they say. Hearing positive things helps children feel more confident and helps them try even harder to gain our respect and approval.
Children who feel loved and valued are more likely to:
- Be confident to try new things
- Recognize and be pleased when they do well
- Value and respect themselves and others
- Feel hopeful and optimistic about the future
- Enjoy going to school
- Take part in sport and other activities
- Enjoy being healthy
Often, when adults use negative words speaking to children, they are actually talking about the behaviours they don’t like, not the child. However, the child hears the hurtful words as being about them, and this can make them feel bad and worthless. They often show this by behaving badly, but adults may not realise the bad behaviour is a response to the hurtful words the child heard. A useful way to manage this is to consciously separate the child from the child’s unacceptable behaviour. The child needs to get the message ‘I’ll always love you, but it is your behaviour we need to talk about.’ Children need to know that their adults love them no matter what and that their love does not depend on the child’s behaviour.
It is important for adults to be truthful to children, and to do it tactfully, just as we would talk to adults we care about. Children know when they have not done well, and do not appreciate it when adults praise poor work.
Use positive, honest comments such as:
- I’m impressed by how hard you have worked on that.
- It was lovely to see you so happy while you were doing that.
- I like the colours you have used.
- You should be proud of yourself for finishing that. I’m proud of you!
These comments say clearly that what it was you liked in the child’s behaviour or work.
Children are experts at watching you closely and copying what you say and do. Be a good example to your child by always speaking respectfully and making your influence positive.